The brain’s susceptibility to conditioning means that, over the years, we all build up patterns of behaviour – responses that may have been appropriate at one point in our lives but may no longer be beneficial. Many of these ‘habits’ are unconscious, so the first step to changing them is to discover what they are. Of course, some habits become a recurring cycle: if you avoid talking to people at parties because you view yourself as a poor conversationalist, you’ll get no practice, so when you do find yourself in a position to have a chat, you will probably be tongue-tied. But you can learn new habits once you have a clear aim. So take a look at your habits and decide which to live with and which to change. Here are five ways to get you started on a programme of self-awareness and change.
Be a Mirror
Have you ever caught sight of yourself in a mirror and been surprised at some aspect of your appearance, a slouch or a tense facial expression? Such glimpses tend to be caught in mirrors in public places or reflective surfaces like shop windows rather than in any mirrors we have at home. But often, we might have an intuition about what we would see in a mirror if there were a convenient one nearby – and this is why we may sometimes deliberately avoid seeing our reflection. Ask yourself, ‘What would a mirror tell me about my habits of posture or expression that I do not really wish to know?’ Then ask, ‘How can I change my habits to make me feel better about myself – and more comfortable within my skin? ‘ This exercise can be particularly self-revealing.
Use Habit to Beat Habit
Habits can catch us unawares – we notice our pattern of behaviour after, rather than during, the event. One way to be more conscious of habitual responses and more likely to put energy into changing them is to cultivate the ‘habit’ of flagging them as they happen. Use physical ‘props’ to help bring invisible habits to the foreground of your attention. For example, if you want to cut down on smoking, resolve to put on a glove every time you pick up a cigarette for a few days. The act of doing this will make your habit seem more of an aberration and give you time to change your mind. Even if you opt to break your resolve, you will remember this transgression against your self-imposed rule. And this, in turn, will highlight your behaviour and make you more eager to change it.
Scan The Alternatives
Does every day seem to follow the same stale pattern? Are you stuck in a rut? A ‘ habit audit’ can give you a clearer picture of your habits and their consequences for your life. Keeping a diary is immensely valuable for this. But you may also find it helpful to observe other people’s lifestyles. Look closely and open mindedly at the ways in which others carry themselves in different situations – doing the shopping, playing with their children, and so on. Admit that your own life is not a fixed norm from which everyone else is deviating: it is merely one variation among many. Learn from other people. Try their behaviour patterns for a change instead of your own. You may find unexpected rewards.
Change Habits Of Feeling
Habits can invade our patterns of thinking and feeling as well as our actions. Quickly make a random list of adjectives referring to qualities you find admirable in other people – it might include, for example, ‘ambitious’, ‘thoughtful ‘, ‘sensitive ‘, ‘mature ‘, ‘meticulous’, ‘funny’. Then, consider how far these characteristics apply to you. If you admire a quality that you believe you lack, does that not immediately suggest a pathway for personal development? Imagine the growing fulfilment you would derive from being able to change yourself into a more admirable person through your efforts. Bear in mind that an effective way to mature your feelings is to start by changing the behavioural responses associated with them. For example, let us say you are reluctant to give up a leisure activity to visit a friend who needs a shoulder to cry on. You might think of yourself As shame-faced, as inconsiderate or even selfish. But to change this feeling, you do not have to work at changing your character – all that’s needed is to reschedule your golf, call and tell your friend when to expect you.
Observe Yourself
Recruit a close friend or family member to act as your secret recorder. Brief him or her to capture you unawares on video at a party – or to record you on audio cassette. Then, study the recordings and watch for recurrent patterns. Are you usually the one to initiate conversations, or do you follow others’ leads? Do you give people time to reply when you are chatting? Do you use meaningless phrases like ‘you know’ or ‘sort of’ all the time? If you want to change a verbal habit, try thinking through what you want to say before you begin to speak – many verbal tics are unconsciously intended to give extra thinking time. Ask a friend to give you a secret signal if you start to repeat your habit – whether it is talking too loudly or too quickly or tending to stare at people.
